Sunday, October 6, 2013


We all trudge, day by day, week by week, month by month, waiting for something.  Anything.  We want something to happen.  Something different, something exhilarating.  Whether it's a trip to the mall, or a trip to the moon.  We look forward to the extraordinary, every day.  Then it happens, the out of the normal, special, extravagant time of our lives-- and it's over.  And here we are again.  The daily routine.  Work goes by.  School goes by.  And we watch it, we crawl along next to it, waiting for the next time something will make us feel alive again.  And this is a repetitive process, people.  Never being happy with what's in front of us-- always waiting for the next thing.  Nothing satisfies the hunger that we starve for-- we strive for the excitement, the thrill, the adrenaline.  When the thrill, could be something as simple as kissing your lover on the forehead.  The thrill, is what you make it.  The trill, could be that morning run right when you wake up.  You live for that run.  You live for seeing your family, because some people don't have that opportunity-- some people were split from their family when they were abandoned at age two.  You live for brushing the hair that some people don't have, because they lost it all during a battle for cancer.  You live for the job that you have, because some people are disabled, ill, weak, unable to get out of bed.  You live for the small things-- you live for the humongous things.  You live for what you let yourself live for... And I chose to live for every day of my life, whatever it brings.  
What about you?

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Here We Go Again,

Something I've wanted for so long
just some space--
to get my shit together
to keep forgetting everything that happened
to find myself,

without the impact
of you.

I just wanted to walk away from you,
with no complications,

I wanted it to be easy

with you,
I always knew,

was impossible

"I hate you," I say
and all you return with
is how much you love me

all my imperfections,
all my insecurities,
you take and hold in your heart

And it makes my head spin,
to know that someone thinks of me
that way

Especially you,
when at one point in my life,
I heard you say,
"I don't love you anymore,
and I never will again"

Those words,
like a knife to my soul,
still remain,

and as hard as I try to make

I can't

And I know it's awful,
but the awful stuff is there,
it lingers,
and I don't see it going away

So I'm sorry,
I can't give to you what you want to give me,
but I will never forget,
how you made me feel,
when my heart was ripped to shreds

But I understand,
that if we can't be more than

then we can't be anything at all.

This is what I wanted all along,
to be nothing

Why does it hurt then?
Why does it feel like a part
of me, is walking away


This is exactly what I didn't
want in the
first place

I want to be able
to feel
when I look


Monday, September 16, 2013

The Gutter

Drip, drop,
the rain sounds on the rooftop
Hitting so fiercely, so uncontrollably

The rain, it's on top of the world,
smashing against this rooftop,
feeling as it will never stop

But this rain, starts to

But doesn't realize it until it's 
digging fingernails into the

Praying to the God above
that He will teach them to 

Teach them to forgive, 
to really live

to be on top of the roof again,

To live right,
and to do
without a fight

But this rain,
continues to slide, 
covering it's eyes, 
trying to hide

From what's to come,
because here,
is rock bottom

Then here it comes,
the end..
giving up any possible way
to mend
what has been broken

But the most beautiful thing,
blocks the path,
while this rain,
is uncontrollably spiraling down,
while the cruel thoughts linger,
placed into the deep depths of the mind,
by this unforgettable,

It caught the fall, 
without one stutter,
and this rain,
will be forever thankful..
that God invented
The Gutter

Drip drop,
here we are again,
being carried...
all the way to the rooftop

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

The thoughts

I just,

the thoughts

they run like a fountain
from my heart
to my brain

From my brain, 
to my smile

My smile,
that stretches 
all the way

The thoughts

consume me

And maybe that's bad,
but I'm convinced,
that you will be
the best

And no, 
I've never had 
this assumption 

But something 
about you,

More like,

everything about

has me

From your
got my plans,

to your
dark blues,
that's got me
ready to be


It's an all day thing--
my thoughts of you

and I hope I'm not the
only one

I hope you,
think this 
of me,

I know,
I can sometimes
be a

But I hope to you,
I'm worth it

Because I can't think
of anything
I'd rather do..
than be,

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Fuck it.

It's easy,
to give in

to run away 
from your pain,
and just say 

fuck it.

It's easy, 
to let them win,

to duck your head down
and just, 


It's easy,
to listen to him,

tell you,


that you're doing everything wrong
that you're not perfect
that you will 

He sings these words to you,
like a joy filled song

He's doing you a favor,
revealing the truth--

so you spend every second,
trying to fix yourself,
never settling,
never being happy,
never thinking,
"I think I did something right,"

without putting up a fight

But he told you
the truth

It's what,

But he's sure got some nerve,
telling me what is wrong 
with myself

Correcting me daily,
never letting 

Never letting me 
be free...

He really couldn't see,
that the problem was him all along

and now, I sing to him,
like a song

That I am one of a kind,
despite all the nasty words,

I am worth 
so much,

and no one can tell me different...

not even 
those words,

Because I am wonderfully made,
in God's eyes

he just looks at me,

and sighs.

Because it was easy,
to walk away from that knife,
to turn around and scream,
and I will not take another hit,"
because this time
I'm looking you in the eye,



Sunday, September 8, 2013


Do you ever think about if, right now, someone jumped in front of a bullet for you? If someone was trying to take your life, and someone else, saved it.  They did everything in their power to make sure you stayed alive.  They made sure that you not only stayed alive, but really lived.  They made sure that in this life that you have on earth, that you got everything out of it that is humanly possible.  That you may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance, to the full, till it overflows.  They made sure that you lived free from the cruelty of the world, free from condemnation of all the awful things you do as a human, free from it all-- because they gave their life to make sure of it.

Now, don't you think, that if someone were to do that for you, right now, that you would praise them, and worship them, value everything they've ever said to you, and never go a moment without thinking about them?
So tell me, why don't we do that? 
For our Lord and Savior, 
Jesus Christ

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

The quality of a lie

So many times in my life, people have fed me lies
So many lies, I lost count

Lies about them, lies about me, lies about them with me, lies about them with someone else

The lies just kept on coming-- after time, I realized that I'm done believing what people say to me

I am to the point where the compliments, the sweet words, the so-called "truth," just comes in one ear and stumbles out the other
 ...... the words stop, for a sweet second, and I appreciate them
then reality hits, and I remember, 
the quality of a lie

The way it makes me feel good, makes me feel worth something, makes me feel like I actually mean to this person, 
Then the lie comes alive, and I realize what it really was to start out with-- an untrue, heart-wrenching,
 false commitment to my thoughts

I got so tired of hearing these lies,
       and I don't know any other way--
                  it's unfortunate really,

because I honestly want to believe the words you say

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

*** Writings influenced by my life and the lives around me ***

I hear,

I hear, the memories are the greatest factor

                                                                                                of the past.

They're the only things,
             that make the good parts
really last.

But what happens, 
when the memories fade, 

    and the person
                                     who you loved,
                                                                            was the one who helped them be made?

Who can remember them now?

All we can remember 
is the bad.

The memories, 

      that seem to make us 

             steaming mad.

Because there's 

           to help us remember the good...
                                                                             They've all been destroyed, 

                                                                                                  by your life-ruining bat.

Now tell me,
Whose fault is that?

Monday, September 2, 2013

Think about it--

Think about it--
Waking up next to one person..
for the rest 

That one person
that you're so
         incredibly, undeniably,
and insanely
        in love with.

The idea, scary enough
never being with anyone but them

Or the idea, 
pure perfection

The love between you two
is inseparable,
and no matter what goes wrong,
could break you apart

I want that,
the fighting,
the yelling,
the kissing, 
the hugging,
the passion.

I want all the bad
because I know that what comes with that
is the good

and there's nothing more worth it

The 9th of August, 2013

Love can really fuck a person up

You fall for someone and you
realize you love them
You love them.. So. Much.
You go on loving them 
and thinking it'll last forever--
They're the only person you'll love
And then one day,
they break you.
they shatter you
they end you.

And all of a sudden,
you have to

But love is eternal,
love is undeniable
How do you love someone,
and then.. stop?
Did you never really love them?
Or will you.. Never. Stop.
The internal heart-wrenching pain...
never settling like a blood-filled vain.
Who can expect us to love again...
When the love we once experienced,
had to end?
The pain is like, a dark filled sky--
except we're the birds,

and we have to learn to fly

Sunday, June 23, 2013


Life is weird to think about isn't it?  What are we doing with our lives because I hear that we have such a short time to live... but the days seem so long.  Then I look back on my days and they flew by.  Life flies by, but it sure doesn't seem like that when you're living.  There's no other way to live than to really live.  That being said, with how young we are, we haven't lived.  Sure, we've had a couple breakups and we graduated high school, and we've been through all the friends and all the boyfriends we can imagine, but we have not lived.  We have not been to Africa, or camped in the desert.  We have not explored the seven wonders of the world, had a family, or had a small child grow inside of us.  We can't say that we have lived and we certainly can't complain or gripe or mope about the life that we have lived so far because even if it hasn't been the best life you think you could possibly live... it's a life.  We got a chance to live, and we better not take it for granted.  Because we aren't even close to being done... We have so much more life to live.