Is It Worth It?

It sure is something the way that you grow so insanely close to somebody at so many different points in your life.  Never could you even imagine them dropping out of your life for good, but then one day, they do.  They're gone.  And you don't know when or how it even happened but it did, and there's no way you can pull them back.  

The fear that comes with that realization is heart retching, life threatening.  Someone you once loved more than life itself can so easily pull themselves out from under you and run like hell until your eyes never meet theirs again, your ears never hear their sweet voice whispering their fears, or belting their laugher.  

Sometimes wonder overtakes me and forces me to decide if it's even worth it to let myself fall that close to someone else again.  Can our hearts take the pain if they decide we're not worth it anymore?  Is it worth the indescribable memories that will forever fill our hearts?  

Is it worth the countless hugs, the smiles that warm your heart, and the laughs that make your stomach hurt?

Is it worth the random drives because you both have so much on your mind, yet you're not quite ready to talk about it yet?  

Is it worth the look you both have in your eyes when you can't look away because you wonder how you ever got so lucky, to have such a beautiful person placed in your life that you could never imagine losing them, because your heart would just sink to the ground out of desperate, overwhelming sadness?

It's not my choice to make, 

it's your heartbreak.

So tell me,

is it worth it?

A Big Ole Lie

I tried,
but..

you still lied.

I wanted

so bad,

to give you a chance.

I was giving you,

a second glance.

But you let me down,

as they all do,

and you,

of course,

were going through us,

two by two.

So here I go, 

out the door,

ready to be grouped as,

"just another whore."

But,

I know the truth.

That I still have,

my dignity, 

and true words,

only come from me.

That it's your loss, 

and I should have known,

people don't change--not one bit.

A big ole lie is all I'll ever get.

Rebuttal

There are people all around,

Trying to bring you down.

Get the guts,

To look them in the eye,

And just say goodbye.

Because it’s hard enough,

Being happy,

That we don’t need that shit

Coming at us like a full blown hit.

Our happiness is our happiness,

And if there’s people around you

that don’t make you the happiest?

Then kick them to the curb,

Because there’s a million others

Who would walk across that ocean,

Instead of those who wouldn’t even jump a puddle.

So just do it—here’s your rebuttal. 

Only Human

Really, it's simple, to get caught up in the world and forget who you are.
Simple to go with the flow, stare out your window, and look at life from afar.

Sometimes that black hole, it sucks you in and the way out,
collapses on you,
the elevator is broken,
the stairway, it's gone.

Your loved ones, they've moved on.
Your enemies, are fighting strong.

There's no way out--you're trapped.

You need someone,
but everyone left, because you can't lean on them,
you can't confide in them,
you can't talk to anyone but yourself.

And they can't handle that,
they say "really, it's not good for your health."

But you can't pull yourself to spill your guts,
to give your heart to them, so they can
maybe
fix it.

But one man cannot rest the world on his shoulders,
one man cannot put up with the complications of everyday,
every week,
every month.

However long, you hold this in,
you cannot handle it.
As much as
you
want
to.

You're only human.

So take advantage of the people around you.
Love dangerously,
Jump fearlessly,

But most of all,
trust in others--because we're not in this alone,

none of us are.

The Stars

              The night dawns on me as I glance up at the stars: they combine into one.  Each an individual star, yet a sky full of them.  Kind of like this God blessed world.  There’s so many of us, each an individual, grouped into one mass population on the earth.  I wrap my arms around myself for warmth, because who else will?  And I continue to gaze at the star-filled sky—mesmerized by the beauty—something I’ve found myself doing quite often recently.  I wonder to myself how many other lone souls are imitating my exact actions right now.  How many people are standing in the middle of a field, in the middle of the night, feet planted, arms twisted.  I don’t even know how I got here, or even when I got here.  But here I am, and nothing sounds less appealing than leaving.  I tear my gaze off the stars and to the ground, contemplating the comfortableness of it.  Without too much thought, my knees make the decision for me, slowly weakening and lowering me to the soft grass below.  Flat on my back, hands folded over my stomach, the view of the stars is almost clearer, more beautiful.  I didn’t know it was possible.  I see so many stars; they never end, and I would never in my life want them to. 

Live

We all trudge, day by day, week by week, month by month, waiting for something.  Anything.  We want something to happen.  Something different, something exhilarating.  Whether it's a trip to the mall, or a trip to the moon.  We look forward to the extraordinary, every day.  Then it happens, the out of the normal, special, extravagant time of our lives-- and it's over.  And here we are again.  The daily routine.  Work goes by.  School goes by.  And we watch it, we crawl along next to it, waiting for the next time something will make us feel alive again.  And this is a repetitive process, people.  Never being happy with what's in front of us-- always waiting for the next thing.  Nothing satisfies the hunger that we starve for-- we strive for the excitement, the thrill, the adrenaline.  When the thrill, could be something as simple as kissing your lover on the forehead.  The thrill, is what you make it.  The trill, could be that morning run right when you wake up.  You live for that run.  You live for seeing your family, because some people don't have that opportunity-- some people were split from their family when they were abandoned at age two.  You live for brushing the hair that some people don't have, because they lost it all during a battle for cancer.  You live for the job that you have, because some people are disabled, ill, weak, unable to get out of bed.  You live for the small things-- you live for the humongous things.  You live for what you let yourself live for... And I chose to live for every day of my life, whatever it brings.  

What about you?

Here We Go Again,

Something I've wanted for so long
just some space--
to get my shit together
to keep forgetting everything that happened
to find myself,

without the impact
of you.

I just wanted to walk away from you,
with no complications,

I wanted it to be easy

Easy...
with you,
I always knew,

was impossible

"I hate you," I say
and all you return with
is how much you love me

all my imperfections,
all my insecurities,
you take and hold in your heart

And it makes my head spin,
to know that someone thinks of me
that way

Especially you,
when at one point in my life,
I heard you say,
"I don't love you anymore,
and I never will again"

Those words,
like a knife to my soul,
still remain,

and as hard as I try to make
them
go
away

I can't

And I know it's awful,
but the awful stuff is there,
it lingers,
and I don't see it going away
anytime
soon

So I'm sorry,
I can't give to you what you want to give me,
but I will never forget,
how you made me feel,
when my heart was ripped to shreds

But I understand,
that if we can't be more than
friends...

then we can't be anything at all.

This is what I wanted all along,
to be nothing
at
all

Why does it hurt then?
Why does it feel like a part
of me, is walking away

again?

This is exactly what I didn't
want in the
first place

I want to be able
to feel
nothing
when I look
at
your

face