Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Here We Go Again,

Something I've wanted for so long
just some space--
to get my shit together
to keep forgetting everything that happened
to find myself,

without the impact
of you.

I just wanted to walk away from you,
with no complications,

I wanted it to be easy

Easy...
with you,
I always knew,

was impossible

"I hate you," I say
and all you return with
is how much you love me

all my imperfections,
all my insecurities,
you take and hold in your heart

And it makes my head spin,
to know that someone thinks of me
that way

Especially you,
when at one point in my life,
I heard you say,
"I don't love you anymore,
and I never will again"

Those words,
like a knife to my soul,
still remain,

and as hard as I try to make
them
go
away

I can't

And I know it's awful,
but the awful stuff is there,
it lingers,
and I don't see it going away
anytime
soon

So I'm sorry,
I can't give to you what you want to give me,
but I will never forget,
how you made me feel,
when my heart was ripped to shreds

But I understand,
that if we can't be more than
friends...

then we can't be anything at all.

This is what I wanted all along,
to be nothing
at
all

Why does it hurt then?
Why does it feel like a part
of me, is walking away

again?

This is exactly what I didn't
want in the
first place

I want to be able
to feel
nothing
when I look
at
your

face

Monday, September 16, 2013

The Gutter


Drip, drop,
the rain sounds on the rooftop
Hitting so fiercely, so uncontrollably

The rain, it's on top of the world,
smashing against this rooftop,
feeling as it will never stop

But this rain, starts to
slowly
slide
down 
the
rooftop

But doesn't realize it until it's 
digging fingernails into the
shingles

Praying to the God above
that He will teach them to 
love

Teach them to forgive, 
to really live

to be on top of the roof again,

To live right,
and to do
this,
without a fight

But this rain,
continues to slide, 
covering it's eyes, 
trying to hide

From what's to come,
because here,
is rock bottom

Then here it comes,
the end..
giving up any possible way
to mend
what has been broken


But the most beautiful thing,
blocks the path,
while this rain,
is uncontrollably spiraling down,
while the cruel thoughts linger,
placed into the deep depths of the mind,
by this unforgettable,
town

It caught the fall, 
without one stutter,
and this rain,
will be forever thankful..
that God invented
The Gutter

Drip drop,
here we are again,
being carried...
all the way to the rooftop

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

The thoughts

I just,
can't
stop

the thoughts

they run like a fountain
from my heart
to my brain

From my brain, 
to my smile

My smile,
that stretches 
all the way
across 
my
face


The thoughts
of
you

consume me

And maybe that's bad,
but I'm convinced,
that you will be
the best
I've
ever
had

And no, 
I've never had 
this assumption 
about
anyone 
else


But something 
about you,

More like,

everything about
you,

has me
hooked

From your
smile,
that's 
got my plans,
booked

to your
dark blues,
that's got me
ready to be

your
muse

It's an all day thing--
my thoughts of you

and I hope I'm not the
only one

I hope you,
somehow,
think this 
way 
of me,
too


I know,
I can sometimes
be a
real
mess

But I hope to you,
I'm worth it

Because I can't think
of anything
I'd rather do..
than be,
your
royal
princess


Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Fuck it.

It's easy,
to give in

to run away 
from your pain,
and just say 

fuck it.

It's easy, 
to let them win,

to duck your head down
and just, 

take
the 
hit


It's easy,
to listen to him,

tell you,

you're
worthless

that you're doing everything wrong
that you're not perfect
that you will 
never 
even 
be 
close

He sings these words to you,
like a joy filled song

He's doing you a favor,
revealing the truth--

so you spend every second,
trying to fix yourself,
never settling,
never being happy,
never thinking,
"I think I did something right,"

Never,
without putting up a fight

But he told you
the truth

It's what,
you
deserve

But he's sure got some nerve,
telling me what is wrong 
with myself

Correcting me daily,
never letting 
me
be
me

Never letting me 
be free...

He really couldn't see,
that the problem was him all along

and now, I sing to him,
like a song

That I am one of a kind,
despite all the nasty words,
in 
my 
mind

I am worth 
so much,

and no one can tell me different...

not even 
those words,
he...
so 
thoroughly 
meant


Because I am wonderfully made,
in God's eyes

Now 
he just looks at me,

and sighs.


Because it was easy,
to walk away from that knife,
to turn around and scream,
"THIS IS MY LIFE,
and I will not take another hit,"
because this time
I'm looking you in the eye,

and 
saying...

Goodbye.






Sunday, September 8, 2013

Praise

Do you ever think about if, right now, someone jumped in front of a bullet for you? If someone was trying to take your life, and someone else, saved it.  They did everything in their power to make sure you stayed alive.  They made sure that you not only stayed alive, but really lived.  They made sure that in this life that you have on earth, that you got everything out of it that is humanly possible.  That you may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance, to the full, till it overflows.  They made sure that you lived free from the cruelty of the world, free from condemnation of all the awful things you do as a human, free from it all-- because they gave their life to make sure of it.

Now, don't you think, that if someone were to do that for you, right now, that you would praise them, and worship them, value everything they've ever said to you, and never go a moment without thinking about them?
So tell me, why don't we do that? 
For our Lord and Savior, 
Jesus Christ

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

The quality of a lie

So many times in my life, people have fed me lies
So many lies, I lost count

Lies about them, lies about me, lies about them with me, lies about them with someone else

The lies just kept on coming-- after time, I realized that I'm done believing what people say to me

I am to the point where the compliments, the sweet words, the so-called "truth," just comes in one ear and stumbles out the other
 ...... the words stop, for a sweet second, and I appreciate them
then reality hits, and I remember, 
the quality of a lie

The way it makes me feel good, makes me feel worth something, makes me feel like I actually mean to this person, 
what 
they 
say 
do
Then the lie comes alive, and I realize what it really was to start out with-- an untrue, heart-wrenching,
 false commitment to my thoughts

I got so tired of hearing these lies,
       and I don't know any other way--
                  it's unfortunate really,

because I honestly want to believe the words you say

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

*** Writings influenced by my life and the lives around me ***

I hear,

I hear, the memories are the greatest factor

                                                                                                of the past.

They're the only things,
    
             that make the good parts
really last.

But what happens, 
when the memories fade, 

    and the person
                                     who you loved,
          
                                                                            was the one who helped them be made?



Who can remember them now?


All we can remember 
is the bad.


The memories, 

      that seem to make us 

             steaming mad.


Because there's 
no 
one 
here 

           to help us remember the good...
                
                                                                             They've all been destroyed, 

                                                                                                  by your life-ruining bat.


Now tell me,
Whose fault is that?




Monday, September 2, 2013

Think about it--

Think about it--
Waking up next to one person..
for the rest 
of 
your
life.


That one person
that you're so
         incredibly, undeniably,
and insanely
        in love with.

The idea, scary enough
never being with anyone but them

Or the idea, 
pure perfection

The love between you two
is inseparable,
unspeakable
and no matter what goes wrong,
nothing 
could break you apart


I want that,
the fighting,
the yelling,
the kissing, 
the hugging,
the passion.





I want all the bad
because I know that what comes with that
is the good

and there's nothing more worth it




The 9th of August, 2013


Love can really fuck a person up

You fall for someone and you
realize you love them
You love them.. So. Much.
You go on loving them 
and thinking it'll last forever--
They're the only person you'll love
And then one day,
they break you.
they shatter you
they end you.

And all of a sudden,
you have to
stop
loving
them

But love is eternal,
love is undeniable
How do you love someone,
and then.. stop?
Did you never really love them?
Or will you.. Never. Stop.
The internal heart-wrenching pain...
never settling like a blood-filled vain.
Who can expect us to love again...
When the love we once experienced,
had to end?
The pain is like, a dark filled sky--
except we're the birds,

and we have to learn to fly